My muse visited me recently.
It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him in person, yet I’ve known him for years. I mean this in the literal sense by the way, not as in some mystical spark of inspiration or some beautiful winged creature sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear. No, my actual muse. A person, living and breathing. His name is D. He’s the reason I decided to pursue this crazy thing called a writing life because he encouraged me to attend school for my BA in Creative Writing. He’s been nothing but encouraging about my writing ability and that’s just one more reason that I love him.
D and I have never officially been anything more than friends, even though feelings have always been there. It wasn’t until I spent an amazing night in a little dive bar downtown with him sipping on Bulleit Rye, howling along to “Werewolves of London”, and having deep conversations that I realized all of those feelings were still there, boiling just below the surface and ready to erupt. All it took was one look from those amber eyes of his and my heart exploded.
In that moment he was everything I’ve ever wanted, and everything that I didn’t need.
Our love was short lived, at least face to face. But, I’m also able to realize, and appreciate, the fact that not all love stories have happy endings. Sometimes love is only in your life for a short time and while it’s here it’s perfect, but it cannot last any longer than it was meant to.
Sometimes being such a passionate person really sucks.
So I spent the last few days listening to songs about being in love and losing that love. Then, something began to well up inside of me, like gases expanding in a rotten corpse, bloated and ready to explode it’s maggot filled contents all over the hot asphalt… and I said “Screw this shit.”
I’m a total, hopeless romantic at heart, but I’m not stupid. I’ve got my own life to live and I’m not ready to be in a relationship. So I’m okay with this weird love thing we’ve got going, where we only see each other once a year and never call it anything more than it is.
And so, I flipped my grief on it’s head by blasting some Otep and channeled it into creative rage in order to release it back into the wild. Now I’m complete and now I’m free to accept whatever comes my way with grace and clumsy dignity.
Listening to this song, “Seduce and Destroy” by Otep clicked my writer brain on and helped me to produce the poem that follows. Deep down, there’s a nugget of truth about me in it.
The evolution of the lamb
by Whiskey Black
From behind I rise
in black sheep’s clothing,
tattered and torn.
A wolf in disguise,
Ever seeking out the lambs.
Vulnerable, weak, pity filled
scared, broken and shattered.
They flock to me for comfort
and I sheer them of their will,
until they break…
becoming wolves themselves.